So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
