I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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