Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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