I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
