All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We just shotgunned beers for America
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
