you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
