do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
