so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
