and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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