Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
