dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
