i barfeds in our rink
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
