Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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