My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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