Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
