They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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