my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
