i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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