you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
