You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
not ubering you a puppy
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
