god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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