We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
