Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We left the knife in your bed.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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