If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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