I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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