So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
