I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my shit smells like andre
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
