i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
