i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
