How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
