my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.