I am midnight drunk by noon
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
