look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
