I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I need to stop coming to work sober
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
