I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
