I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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