nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
