WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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