News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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