you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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