am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
