the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
