if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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