My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
