It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
