We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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