I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
