I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
