If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
