No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
