FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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