Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
