I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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