haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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