I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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