Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
