If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
