Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
